"I see now that my deeds which have flawed from love are more perfect than those which I have done out of fear." -St. Faustina's Diary ¶591
I recently watched a video by Fr. Mike Schmitz where he discussed 4 (amongst many others) criteria for what good discipleship must entail. Discipleship is something that has been close to my heart for the last 15-20 years since I served as a missionary for FOCUS, the Fellowship Of Catholic University Students. During that time I had the privilege of leading young men closer to Christ while training them to become leaders amongst their peers. And while my time discipling collage aged men certainly prepared me in some ways for my role as a father- I find that fathering and discipling go hand in hand in a much different way than first anticipated.
Those 4 criteria that Father Mike provided are: 1. Relationship 2. "Show-Up" 3. Consistency 4. Keeping Commitments. While discipling young men coming into adulthood is vastly different than forming the young souls God has provided me in my children- I do find that these 4 criteria fit very nicely in the way I try to raise (and form) my children both physically and mentally.
1. Relationship: It's so tempting as we have kids to want to become my kids' buddy. I mean, who doesn't want to be the cool parent? Who doesn't want to have a best friend who loves ALL the same things you do? … and this one will ONLY love the same things you do because it's what you've taught them! Muahahaha…. I mean, so I've heard. While a desire to be close and connected to our children is natural there must also be a right relationship and I find this is really where the rubber meets the road.
I love sharing my hobbies with my kids but what I'm discovering is there is a natural reaction to sharing these loves with them. It sometimes ends up being all they know. And. Its. All. They. Want. To. Do.
Don't get me wrong I love that Bob loves board games like I do. Board games are a great escape for me- a little me time. A little downtime. Until it's not... until I sit down at the table to roll some dice and I've got 4 kids lining up behind me ready to participate in whatever manner I'll let them. Rolling dice. Creating strategies. Flipping cards. All great. But not all the time. It's in these moments I realize- I don't really want an 8 year old buddy- because well, I'm not 8 years old anymore.
So what does a relationship with my children look like? And how does discipleship fit in here?
As a missionary I would bond with the guys by smoking a pipe, playing cards, playing sports, and taking genuine interest in their own hobbies all the while spending time with them in both Bible studies and the Sacraments. It was the combination of all these things that then allowed me to call guys out when they were dropping the ball in their own responsibilities.
Accountability however, looks a lot different with an 8 year old (or a 6, or 4, or even a 2 year old). While accountability still exists- it is coupled with discipline. It's with discipline that comes the picture of reality.
"You're too hard on me!" -8 year old. Or my favorite, "I'm not ever going to love you... or Jesus."- 4 year old. Ouch kid.
I clearly must be doing something wrong, right? I mean it sounds like I'm doing the exact opposite of what I wanted to do! It'd be one thing if I was just slamming the hammer down. But much like discipleship, as a father I attempt to set the example by my own attitude and actions. I can tell my kids are watching. I can tell my kids are picking things up... especially when I get into a war of the wills because I'm just as stubborn as them!
But I've got friends with older kids... and they just tell me it's going to get worse. Joy. So what do I do? I stay the course. Yeah, I love you. I want to be your friend. But I'm not your buddy- and when you're making bad decisions- as your father- I'm going to let you know. And if you remember 30 seconds ago (which they don't) we were having a pretty good time together.
But saying the words and going through the motions simply isn't enough. You've got to...
2. Show-up and be 3. Consistent:
It's hard to follow through on so many levels. As a parent we set this foundation you hope you're children will be able to stand on but then you quickly realize that YOU TOO have to stand on that same foundation! Yes we set the standards but while we struggle through those same standards we forget that we have a lifetime of experience to lean on while our kids only have what they've been handed to by us.
But in order for discipleship to work and in order to have any lasting affect on my own children I really do need to show-up and be consistent- meaning, I need to believe in the things that I'm instilling in my children. I talk about how much Jesus loves them... but do I show it? As a family we close each night with prayer- but if I'm just going through the motions how can I expect any more from my own children? And yet, I get upset when they're not following along or contributing. Prayer is central to our lives- but again- am I just going through the motions? And how do I balance the ability to instill good habits like scripture reading with the fact that my 8 year old's time with scripture doesn't last more than 2 minutes? I have to regularly remind myself that he's 8 and maturity in the scriptures might not come for another 10+ years! (gulp). Along with the fact that I must remain consistent in my own prayer and not be afraid to share with my family insights that come to me during that time of prayer.
Showing-up and being consistent also falls into the categories of day to day living. If I expect my kids to speak nicely to one another... I need to speak nicely to them. If I expect my kids to do the dishes without complaint; I need to do the dishes without complaint! Little eyes are always watching and conscious' are always forming.
Finally, let your yes be yes and your no be no:
4. Keep Commitments: In discipleship it was imperative that my guys not only showed up to my Bible study but that they showed up and lead their own. And as relationships formed it was equally important that the guys of the Bible studies saw that the leaders were actually keeping and living out the commitments they were teaching through the studies.
It's no different with my kids. Its a lot easier to handle discipline when my kids can trust that I'm going to be around for them. If they can rely on me during "the good times"- ie playtime- they know that even though they don't like it; they can rely on me during "the bad times"- ie discipline. There is an authenticity that comes with promising to spend time with a kid and following through with it. Dad isn't JUST the authoritarian who rules over the house. No, he can have fun. But just like he allowed me to take him on in a game of strat- you better believe he's going to reign down justice when I've snapped back at him when he simply asked me to take a shower before bed.... for the 120th time.
As a parent my yes must be yes and my no must be no. If I promise to take a kid out on a date- Amanda and I need to figure out when that's going to happen. Just like if I promise I'm going to spank someone if they call me "stupid head" one more time I'm going to make that happen.
The goal of all this- poorly stated of course- is to raise Saints. To provide the world with not just "cool kids" and "cool parents" but with young adults and adults alike who will one day redeem their society through the foundations and principles we laid within them through the day to day life we spent with them in the short amount of time we have been given.
Once again, thanks for reading.
God bless.
PS: If you want a better understand of Fr. Mike's 4 points on discipleship check out his video here
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